The Diary of Eric Cartman
by justincbenedict
Summary: What would a journal in the life of the world's most despicable boy resemble? Well, for one thing, his mother is way late in cutting his toenails.


September 5

School started today…high school! I am in class with Kyle and Stan; Kenny is in Special Ed, and I saw him smoking a blunt with Head-Bang Garcia in the boy's john. Special Needs are lucky, they can just walk in and out of class, no one's upset unless they burn the school down.

A girl with red hair passed a note to Kyle, and I put a swastika on it; he looked pissed off. But at her. Good for him to think I'm not the only got-damn Nazi in town, right? Stan isn't going to make it in Algebra, I can just tell now. Mom is dating Mr. Fernald, who teaches at Bishop Ireton Catholic; Fernald's been doing my math homework for three years now. Stan's just a dumbass.

What a drag. The paper-mache penis that Butters and I made and put in the shoebox, and left outside the elementary school got taken away by the janitor, sumbitches. It was a bloody looking, severed thing, too.

After Social Studies I got accused of dropping a pencil to look up Wendy's dress. I faked an asthma attack. Well, you know, I could have asthma. No one cares. What a shit town this is. Mom was going to have us leave after she got caught with Reverend Wilkinson, but she is also involved with the guy who drives the Greyhound bus..and he is too into her to give her a ride out. Mom's a slut but I love her.

September 9

Kyle, Stan, Kenny and I are trying to get someone to let us practice driving. It's a million years till we're sixteen, man. Stan's sister, Queen Ugly, has a license, but no go. And if she tells her folks that Stan is rooting around for car keys, he'll be grounded for life.

I'm hot to drive. Mom might get one of her boyfriends to let me normally, but there have been so many incidents lately, that Mom is a little shy of trying to help her boy be a man.

September 14

I saw Dr. Glaasgow today, my court-mandated therapy. Lovin' the Ritalin prescription. Also Seconal to get me to sleep at night. Seconal is up in my sales at Fenwick Junior High, but couldn't get rid of any at the Jonas Brothers concert in Boulder. Scotty, the drunk near the bowling alley took twelve off my hands in an exchange for a damaged full sized Love Doll. (no right arm) He also offered me a French Maid's outfit, slightly used. What would I want with that?

September 16

I was going to go over to the retarded girls school with some of my Seconal prescription, have a little fun, but I think I got the flu bug. Running at both ends. Mom is terribly worried, it's good she cares, right?

September 20

I got my last paycheck from the telemarketing gig. That was more fun than I thought it would be. They thought I was too young to do it, especially debt collection, but until I got fired, I was making way bucks telling Mastercard deadbeats that I was sending a SWAT team over to burn their house down.

Ronald Reagan was right. Work really does build character.

September 24

Someone wrote "Spam in sandals" on my locker. What the hell's that supposed to mean?

September 28

Kenny got his paper back, the two hundred word essay on "What I did this Summer" He wrote "Not Much" fifty times. I wrote on mine "Xbox" Thanks to the curve, we both got C's.

October 11

There's this dude who carries a teddy bear (seriously, he's like sixteen) because it belonged to his dead sister or somesuch, so on lunch at the Dairy Queen I told one of the deputies from North Park that the teddy was filled with heroin. Damn that was fun to watch! They were jumpin on that dude like roaches…no bear left. Also, the guy dropped his fries and Kenny ate them. Poor people do love their leftovers.

October 15

I gotta get Mom to cut my toenails.

October 21

Vice Principal Ponsonby is real bald. I told Butters to go up to him and say "Did you know the sun is shining?" Butters's suspension is up Monday.

October 23

I tried shaving today, with Mom's leg razor. I look like a mass murderer now. Mom should be more considerate than to use the razor before me don't you think?

October 29

Wendy told Stan she thinks she's pregnant. She doesn't want to do the operation. That'd be funny, Stan and Wendy and a bunch of brats in the trailer park. Poor like Kenny. Maybe if he kind of wrestled with her real hard, she might lose the baby. I dunno.

Kyle got some kind of gift certificate to La Bonita (I LOVE La Bonita) and we went there…I snapped the waitress's bra strap. It was lots of fun. Stan was all bummed out about Wendy's maybe bun in the oven, but we got them to serve us Long Island Iced Teas (the assistant manager used to date Mom) and Stan cheered up after the second drink. After the fourth one, he threw up all over the parking lot.

November 2

Wendy's period came. Stan is walking on air. Thank God. Who wants to go to a damn baby shower?


End file.
